Tag: zombies

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Dawn of the Mummy (1981) Film Review: Eurotrash Zombies Invade Egypt!

A fascinating tidbit (!?!?) about me: I have seen hundreds – maybe thousands – of bad horror movies. As a young man, I lived near a movie rental store called Dollar Video – located in Lodi NJ, childhood home of Danzig of The Misfits! – that collected every cheap horror, sexploitation, nunsploitation, blaxploitation, cannibal, women-in-prison, slasher, softcore, mondo, over-the-top gore flick in existence. 

I was a regular at Dollar Video, to the point where I should’ve gotten a plaque on the wall. It was there that I rented such classics as Rabid Grannies, Satan’s Princess, and Syngenor. I’ve often wondered if my life would have been different without a place like Dollar Video. Did the movies I watched enrich or corrupt my young mind? 

Haha I know nobody gives a shit, so let’s get on with the movie review!

I rented Dawn of the Mummy at Dollar Video decades ago. Rewatching the film, I found it to be an interesting blend of American B-movie and Eurotrash sleaze. This makes sense, as the movie was produced by an American company with an Italian crew.

Dawn of the Mummy shies away from any sort of nudity, which no Eurotrash film would ever do. Instead, we enjoy shots of two people with their clothes on embracing in bed. I am not exaggerating when I say this is contrary to everything Eurotrash has ever stood for.

However, what we see of the special effects are vintage Eurotrash. Unfortunately, since parts of this movie are very dark and grainy it is tough to view many of those effects. A certain mean spiritedness that screams Eurotrash pervades this film. When an Arabic man pulls back the curtain to greet his bride on his wedding night, the zombies are eating her. 

To the plot! Three bumbling grave robbers disturb the tomb of Safiraman/Sefirama (I am unsure of the exact spelling, so will use Safiraman). They are accosted by Xena, Lunatic of the Sands, who entreats them not to disturb Safiraman’s rest. Later in the movie, Xena rejoices at Safiraman’s awakening. Perhaps she wants to be on Safiraman’s good side after his undead legions overrun the earth, or maybe she even wants to be Safiraman’s queen! Alas, Xena’s plans are throttled – along with Xena – when Safiraman strangles her.

The American fashion models arrive soon after the raiders open the tomb. Yes, you heard correctly. These models and photographers have a permit to film ANYWHERE in Egypt, and they’ve taken a hankering to Safiraman’s final resting place! 

Rick, the brains of the tomb raiders, sabotages a camera and then resigns himself to waiting around. When one of the models takes a liking to him, they don’t show that sex scene, which means the participants must have taken their clothes off.

Safiraman awakens! The first item on his To-Do list is to destroy the violators of his tomb. To do that, he needs his trusty undead legions, who soon rise. Safiraman is a mummy but his legions are zombies who munch on flesh, entrails, and intestines.

In the meantime, the models are growing restless because Bill the photographer wants to get as many shots as possible. Every B-movie needs its resident asshole, and Bill seems to qualify, but is it true? I can see how Bill would want to get all the shots he can. Perhaps the most disturbing feature of this movie is the fact that I empathized with the least likable character.

Dawn of the Mummy is fifteen minutes too long. It would have been perfect between 75 and 80 minutes. Gore aside, it is a funny movie. Most mummy movies are campy by design, and this is no exception. 

I would classify Dawn of the Mummy as an American B-movie with Eurotrash special effects. It isn’t a can’t-miss classic, but if you have a hankering for a campy mummy movie with gory effects, you could do worse.

This month, I am reviewing Eurotrash zombie movies. You can read reviews of Burial Ground, Zombie, Hell of the Living Dead, and Zombie Lake here, here, here, and here. If you like these reviews and want BONUS CONTENT, consider subscribing to my Substack, also called Abandoned Places. Next month I will be reviewing Frankenstein movies!

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Zombie Lake (1981): The Worst Naked-Women-Skinny-Dipping-with-Zombies Eurotrash Movie!

Say you are hosting a party that’s gone on waaay too long, and you want people to leave, but you do not want to appear rude. Don’t worry, I’ve got you covered. Just pop a copy of Zombie Lake (1981) into your trusty DVD player (you still have a DVD player, right?). In five minutes, everyone will have fled and you’ll be all alone! Of course, you might stay alone the rest of your life because nobody will ever talk to you again, but that’s another problem.

Is Zombie Lake that bad? Yes. Yes, it is. Director Jean Rollin disavowed this movie. Mr. Rollin, one of the guiding lights of 1970’s Eurotrash cinema, has also directed porn and even filmed a scene featuring a man french-kissing a woman’s severed head. 

Zombie Lake begins with a young lady who skinny-dips in a lake, ignoring the omnipresent signs that say DON’T SWIM HERE. She leaps right into the water, which is full of frogs, leeches, snapping turtles, and Nazi zombies. Sure enough, a Nazi zombie rises from the scummy depths and pulls her down.

Once awakened, the zombies decide they deserve some fun and shamble from the muddy waters of the lake to wreak havoc at a nearby French village. Why? Cue the flashback! Ten years ago, an occupying German soldier rescued a female villager during World War II. 

They have a beautiful moment together in a barn where the camera focuses on her love-contorted face – and stays there, not moving. After fathering a daughter, the soldier is slaughtered by the French Resistance and dumped into the lake with his murdered comrades. The mother dies also, because she read the script.

The zombies mostly attack nubile young women. The highlight – or lowlight – of this movie is when the women’s volleyball team all decide to go skinny-dipping in the lake, because that’s totally normal. The sole survivor rushes screaming into the village, where she bursts into the local tavern in a naked frenzy. 

Meanwhile, Daddy zombie visits his ten-year old daughter to give her the locket gifted to him by the girl’s mother while sappy music plays in the background. Later in the movie, he fights another Nazi zombie who wants to hurt her!

Watching them roll around in the damp grass in slow motion, I began to reassess my life. I burst into tears and had an emotional breakdown. After that, I went for a long walk and then drove three hundred miles to Central Park to watch the grass grow. When I came back, the zombies were still rolling around in the grass. 

After 80+ minutes of agony, the girl lures the zombies into the mill, where they are torched by a flamethrower and the movie lurches to a merciful end. As I took the DVD from the player with numb fingers, the same thought kept running through my head…I will never get that $12.95 back.

Zombie Lake is an exploitation film that combines several subgenres, Nazisploitation and sexploitation. Unfortunately, its main subgenre is boringsploitation. Yes, there are many naked swimmers in this movie, but it is a horribly unsexy film. The nudity feels clinical rather than exciting. If you want to see a wonderful scene of a beautiful woman swimming underwater, watch The Creature From the Black Lagoon, a flawed movie with great cinematography.

I do not recommend Zombie Lake to anyone. The story is deathly dull, the plot isn’t scary, the violence is goofy, and the zombie makeup is so bad you can see where it flakes off on their necks. I say this as a huge fan of Jean Rollin, who has directed some of the greatest Eurotrash movies ever. Just skip this one.

This month, I am reviewing Eurotrash zombie movies. You can read reviews of Burial Ground, Zombie, and Hell of the Living Dead here, here, and here. If you like these reviews and want some bonus content, consider subscribing to my Substack, Abandoned Places!

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Hell of the Living Dead (1980) Review: Eurotrash Zombie Jungle Hell

Hell of the Living Dead is an amalgam of two crazes that swept grindhouse cinemas in the 1970s, jungle cannibalism and zombies. A word of warning: make sure you are renting/buying the correct film. According to IMDB, this movie is also known as Virus, Night of the Zombies, and Zombie Creeping Flesh. I ended up viewing twenty minutes of Zombie 3, another movie, before realizing my mistake. 

When I rented Hell of the Zombies, it skipped ten minutes into the film. I watched the first ten minutes afterwards, but didn’t need to. In fact, I believe the movie is better without the introductory sequence. By the way, I reviewed two other Eurotrash zombie movies, Burial Ground and Lucio Fulci’s Zombie, here and here.

To the plot! A power plant in New Guinea run by an organization called Hope (irony!) malfunctions. Long story short, a dead rat clambers into a guy’s hazmat suit, which leads to pipes releasing noxious green gas that kills everybody. Except they’re not dead! 

Cut to an embassy, where we meet our special forces heroes, four guys who dress in blue fatigues and blue caps that make them look like janitors instead of highly trained soldiers. Maybe the costume budget ran out? 

They are sent on a secret mission in New Guinea, where we meet a pair of reporters stuck in a van with an angry man, his sullen wife, and their sick child. The kid seems to be on his last legs, but nobody helps him. This is strange, as you’d think his parents would want to get him medical attention.

Instead, the reporters leave the van and take a leisurely stroll around the deserted town. The wife takes a walk also – probably to get away from her husband – and is eaten by a zombie. The man is asleep in the van when his son dies, becomes a zombie, and eats him. Nothing in this scene makes any sense.

The reporters are the only survivors. They  join up with our four blue-clad Rambos, who are concerned they’ll blab about their ultra secret mission, but bring them anyway. Good thing they did, because they need intel to complete their mission! 

Enter the female reporter, who proves her worth by stripping down to a skimpy thong and dressing like a native. She infiltrates a village and learns that the plague is spreading amongst the natives. Since the zombies are literally everywhere, this is obvious, but it’s still a job well done! I can only imagine the brainstorming session that produced this plot point.

Hell of the Dead soon settles into a pattern, with our commandos killing bunches of zombies and then driving away. We witness grainy jungle footage, exotic animals, and wild dancing, as well as the natives disemboweling animals and eating unspeakably gross things. 

Turns out our blue-clad Smurfs aren’t just mindless killing machines. One of them has a thing for female reporters, but his hard-ass leader won’t put up with any of that romance bullshit. The commando who looks like Klaus Kinski enjoys taunting the zombies before blowing their heads off, which seems stupid but is realistic as a reaction to stress. 

The fourth commando is the quiet one, and you know what they say about the quiet ones. He wears a backwards cap and drives the jeep. But he harbors a terrible – or awesome – secret, which leads to the high point of this movie.

The Blue Goons check out a house. There is no reason to do this, other than the fact that they read the script. Backwards Cap Guy is sent to canvas the basement, where he throws away his guns and drapes a little green dress over his blue camos. Donning a tophat, brandishing a cane, he waltzes until the zombies gobble him up.

Undeterred, our valiant friends soldier on until they reach the Hope power plant, where we learn that Hope’s vision statement is solving the world’s overpopulation problem by designing a chemical that will make people in third world countries eat each other. IMO, this is nasty enough to seem plausible. The commandos’ mission is to destroy the incriminating documents, which they do before the zombies eat everybody. The end.

Hell of the Living Dead was supposedly inspired by Dawn of the Dead, and the two movies are similar in that they both contain the word Dead. By Eurotrash standards, this is a decent movie that becomes a great movie if you watch it drunk. Don’t watch it high, or when you are eating dinner. Actually, do not watch any Eurotrash movie when eating dinner. However, if you are a fan of cheesy 1980’s zombie jungle movies, this is a must-see.

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A Review of Zombie (1979), by Lucio Fulci: A Eurotrash Masterpiece

Lucio Fulci’s Zombie is the perfect movie to watch when you are discovering you might have a drinking problem. The first time I watched this film was at a high school party, when we sat around the television set in the living room drinking beer and watching this flick on VHS. 

Many of my fellow partygoers were hooking up and slipping away to look at the stars, discuss the meaning of life, and paw at each other, but I was made of different stuff. Besides all the beer, I ended up eating a whole box of Oreo cookies and barely made it to the eyeball piercing scene before spewing up black chunks everywhere. I’m sure I looked like one of the zombies in this movie!

When I watched Zombie a second time as part of my Eurotrash zombie watch – you can read my review of Burial Ground here – it was better than I remembered, but my memories are so hazy so that means nothing. I quit drinking thirty-one years ago. If I hadn’t quit, I’d be as dead as one of the zombies in this movie.

Zombie is a 1979 Italian zombie flick directed by Lucio Fulci. Unlike many of his later films, this has a plot, even if the plot doesn’t make much sense. An empty sailboat floats into New York Harbor, just like the scene in Dracula when the ghost ship Demeter sails into Whitby. The boat isn’t as empty as it seems, as an unfortunate Coast Guard officer discovers when a zombie rips his throat out!

Enter Anne Bowles, daughter of the boat’s owner. Anne has no idea what’s going on and she hasn’t read the script, so she joins forces with a hard-boiled NYC reporter with a British accent. They trace her father to a Caribbean island, which they reach by hooking up with a couple on a boat. 

I’m not sure what the guy does, but his girlfriend’s hobby is topless scuba diving, one of the many things that screams Eurotrash about this film. While underwater, she sees a shark fighting a zombie, which often happens. She has a camera but doesn’t take pictures of the battle, because who’d want to see something like that?

Cut to the isle, where a woman starts off the morning on the right note by telling her doctor husband how much she hates him. He slaps her and then goes off to his job of wrapping people up in sheets and shooting them in the head. No sooner has he driven off when the zombies attack, which leads to the infamous eyeball piercing scene. Warning: there are many, many gross scenes in this movie.

Meanwhile, our marooned heroes meet the doctor, who tells Anne he was great friends with her father. Since we see a flashback of him shooting her father in the head, perhaps he’s exaggerating. Doc asks them to check on the beloved wife he just slapped. Since everyone in this movie is crazy, they agree.

When they reach the doctor’s house, they find the zombies busy eating his wife, and rush back to the hospital as drums beat in the distance. The doctor tells them a) the dead are rising; b) he’s trying to find the cure. What I want to know is, what is he trying to cure? Get the hell out of there.

The zombies attack the compound when the sun sets. Despite moving slower than grampa shambling on his walker, they kill almost everyone. The survivors reach the boat and set sail. After turning on the radio, perhaps in search of the Bee Gees, they learn that zombies have taken New York City. 

Looking back now, I realize I did have a drinking problem, which was obvious to anyone who knew me. The real shock is how heavily edited the version of Zombie I saw back then was. I don’t recall the topless scuba diving scene at all. I would have remembered, no matter how drunk I was.

If you are an aficionado of Eurotrash zombie movies, it doesn’t get much better than Zombie. Character development has left the building, replaced by a bizarre combination of bare skin and gore. Gore wins by a country mile – we have worms, intestines, and technicolor bile. I will leave you with a friendly warning. Don’t eat Oreo cookies when watching this movie. Recommended!

An earlier version of this review was published on my Substack, Abandoned Places. If you like reviews of horror movies/comics/short stories, please consider subscribing!

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Burial Ground (1981) Review: A Eurotrash Zombie Primer

This is a review of Burial Ground (1981), an Italian Eurotrash zombie movie released in the wild and wooly days of the early 1980’s. What are Eurotrash zombies, you say? I’m glad you asked! Here are three essential factoids. 1. Eurotrash zombies are gross. Think maggots, green blood, decay. Do not watch when eating lunch. 2. Eurotrash zombies don’t crave brains, and are cannibals in the more traditional sense. Entrails? Spleen? Intestines? Yes, thank you! 3. Eurotrash zombies are crafty. They wield farm implements, use hand signals, and ride horses like they are jockeys in the Kentucky Derby.

Three couples travel to a villa for some fun in the sun, but are interrupted by a horde of zombies released from their burial ground. A word about those burial grounds, which are supposedly Etruscan. Just last month I visited Italy and visited actual Etruscan burial grounds in Orvieto. I didn’t see any zombies and the tombs don’t look anything like the ones shown in this movie. Shame, shame!

Anyway, the villa is inhabited by three couples, one child, and two servants.  The only character I will mention by name is Michael, who is supposed to be a child of about ten to twelve years old but is played by an adult actor with a growth disorder. Michael wears short pants – we call them floods in N.J. – and does not look like a child. Michael interrupts his mother during sex and asks her what she’s doing. The man she is frolicking with is not her husband, which might be why he’s confused. But I don’t think so.

Eurotrash zombies hate it when people have sex, so they shamble to the villa in record time to stop the fornicating couples. In this film, sex consists of the man lying atop the woman with his pants still on while they paw at each other. This isn’t done to appease the censors, as I don’t think there was such a thing in Italy in the early 1980’s. Burial Ground contains full nudity and an incest subplot so nauseating they had to hire an adult actor to play a child.

Our hedonistic couples are in for a long weekend, because these zombies are organized! They set a bear trap, which snares one of the women. The bear trap is a highlight of Burial Ground. It might be my imagination, but it seems like the zombies paused for a moment, proud of their handiwork, before shambling in for the kill.

The survivors gather in the villa and are picked off one by one. When the maid tries to close a window, a zombie hurls a dagger or throwing star and pins her hand to the wall. Maybe it’s a Ninja Zombie! They then use a scythe to cut off her head like an overripe grape. Later in the movie, one of the survivors tosses her corpse to the zombies. It’s every man for himself!

The most disturbing thing about Burial Ground is the character of Michael, hands down. Look, he’s an adult and I sure hope he got paid, but it’s still unsettling to watch a grown man pretend to be a kid. The incest subplot – which is why a child couldn’t play the part – multiplies the ick factor by a thousandfold.

I am unsure why Burial Ground exists. Maybe the movie was a tax write-off, or part of a money laundering scheme, or something even more sinister. Perhaps the zombie apocalypse broke out in Rome and they made this film to cover it up? Bottom line: if you can’t get enough of zombie movies, and enjoy watching them drunk or high, you will love Burial Ground.

An earlier version of this review was published on my Substack, Abandoned Places. If you like reviews of horror movies/comics/short stories, please consider subscribing!

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Marvel Zombies: The Complete Collection, Vol. 1

This is a review of Marvel Zombies: Complete Collection, Vol. 1. Do you recall the good ole’ days when zombies ruled the Horror Universe? It wasn’t that long ago. The zombie strain was everywhere, even infecting mainstream comics! Marvel Zombies started out as a tongue-in-cheek storyline about super-powered zombies in an alternate universe, but gained enough traction to produce seven-plus miniseries. In a way, the heroes of the Marvel Universe are already zombies – they’re old, and most of them have died (some multiple times), but they are still walking around. Sure sounds like a zombie to me!

Okay, enough philosophical horseshit. This graphic novel isn’t for everyone. It’s strong stuff, especially the first miniseries, produced by the Zombie Lord himself, Robert Kirkman (creator of the Walking Dead). Will you like it? Depends. Do you think Giant Man biting off his wife’s head is funny? Do you want to see Peter Parker devour Mary Jane and Aunt May? As in many things in life: some will be disgusted, others will say sign me up.

What do I think? Well, I read the first miniseries years ago. There is a plot, but it honestly doesn’t matter, because you’re here to see the zombies eat people. The miniseries is funny in the same way car accidents are funny, if that car accident involved imaginary people. Wolverine’s adamantium claws and bones pop out of his rotting body. Bruce Banner awakens with a foot sticking out of his gut. Spider-Man is a zombie, but still as depressed as ever. To me, the funniest line is Galactus proclaiming that he’s going to eat the earth, after the Marvel Zombies have just eaten his herald.

I view this graphic novel as mindless entertainment. The violence is so stupid and over-the-top it didn’t bother me, and none of the heroes are actually dying (it’s an alternate dimension!). I didn’t find some of the jokes funny, but YMMV. I am sure many people will think this is awful, and in poor taste. I can’t argue the second point, but poor taste went out the window with the release of Pink Flamingos. Bottom line: if you don’t like gore, or seeing your childhood heroes turn into drooling cannibalistic monsters, then I’d skip this. But if you are a zombie lover, you will gobble it up.

Happy Halloween!

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Movie Review: The Night of the Living Dead

People Arguing

I admit that I was not looking forward to rewatching The Night of the Living Dead. I last saw this movie a number of years ago, and can recall being glad that I wouldn’t have to watch it again. So I came prepared, opening my iPhone to Pokemon Go and preparing for ninety-five minutes of zombies and culling unwanted Pokemon.

The Pokemon cull did not go as planned. To make a long story short, I really enjoyed this movie. Yes, I know what I said about zombies in my review of World War Z, but The Night of the Living Dead subverts expectations. When I started watching, this movie’s look and music lulled me into thinking it might be just another B-horror film. It isn’t.

The plot: Barbara and her brother Johnny drive to their father’s grave. Contrary to expectations, neither of them is the protagonist. Johnny dies in the first ten minutes, slain by a zombie. The fact that these zombies don’t eat brains is another interesting twist; they are cannibals in the traditional sense, feasting on the flesh of the living.

Barbara ends up in a seemingly abandoned house, where we meet the movie’s hero. Ben boards up the doors and windows as more zombies arrive. We learn that the newly dead are reanimating. A space shuttle to Venus and high levels of radiation – both staples of 1950’s science fiction – are mentioned as possible causes. It’s another trick. The authorities have no clue why the dead are rising, and the movie never tells us.

Ben and Barbara eventually meet the people hiding in the house’s basement. Tom and Judy are a nice young couple. Harry Cooper isn’t so nice. He has a wife, who doesn’t seem to like him much, and a sick child. More zombies arrive. Instead of working together the survivors bicker, another subversion of expectations and a reminder of the unofficial motto of The Walking Dead (see image above).

Our heroes try to escape. If this was a conventional horror movie, they might succeed. Instead they fail miserably. The remaining survivors are more interested in killing each other than the zombies. The violence is graphic; our heroes die horribly. Harry’s child reanimates and kills her mother. A few of the zombies are naked, and we see them feasting on viscera and intestines. Ben hides in the basement. When the rescue team arrives in the morning they mistakenly shoot him in the head, which is the movie’s final twist. The end.

The Night of the Living Dead is a groundbreaking movie. Duane Jones, the man who plays Ben, was the first African American actor to be cast as the lead in a mainstream American horror movie (according to IMDB). The ‘rescue’ party at the end comes complete with barking dogs, and would be a familiar sight to television news watchers of the 1960’s; all that’s missing are the fire hoses.

This movie is also an interesting case study on how people react under stress. The answer is, not too well. Barbara goes into shock, which is realistic. Harry Cooper is scared shitless, which makes him do stupid things. It doesn’t matter, because the people who keep their heads die also.

I liked The Night of the Living Dead a lot more than I expected. The acting is good,  the screenplay is tight and there’s plenty of action. The film’s visceral subject matter was shocking for the 1960’s, and a few of the scenes still pack a punch today. Overall, this movie deserves every bit of praise it gets as a horror classic.

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I Hate Zombies, So Why Did I Like This Book? Max Brooks’ World War Z

World War Z

Besides being the best zombie book I’ve ever read, World War Z is also a great horror novel. Please note that this comes from a person who doesn’t like zombies (more on that later). I read World War Z for the first time over a decade ago. I bought the book at my local B&N because I liked the cover. Yes, sometimes I buy books because I like the cover, and the results are often surprisingly good. When I recommended World War Z to a friend he loved it, and asked me where I’d heard of it. When I told him how much I liked the cover he gave me a strange look.

Anyway: I reread World War Z last week. I realized I was reading a great book when Mr. Brooks informed me that those who transformed into zombies while driving have no idea how to unbuckle their seatbelts, and are thus stuck in their cars for all eternity. Great detail. I have relatives who live in Yonkers, and the author’s description of that city is dead-on, down to the A&P (which is now an ACME). What can you do but tip your hat to such attention to detail?

I won’t even go into Mr. Brooks’ masterful description of other cultures, the way he puts the zombie apocalypse into a socioeconopolitical (is that a word?) perspective and his successful use of over twenty different voices, all of which sounded distinct. After all, this is an oral history of the zombie wars, and the survivors interviewed all have riveting stories to tell.

Speaking of telling stories, I have no idea why Max Brooks (who is filmmaker Mel Brooks’ son) hasn’t written another horror novel. Besides his zombie material (three books), he wrote a graphic novel called The Harlem Hellfighters, a comic series titled The Extinction Parade and a Minecraft novel. It’s a damn shame Mr. Brooks hasn’t followed up, because World War Z puts him in the pantheon of great horror writers of my generation.

I was surprised by how much I liked this book, because as a rule I don’t like zombie novels. I can tolerate zombie movies if they are funny (Return of the Living Dead, Shaun of the Dead) or have an interesting twist (28 Days Later, Pontypool), but I don’t like reading about them.

Actually, I don’t like zombies period. I have trouble taking a monster that combines the speed of a grandpa on his walker with the motor skills of an overstimulated toddler seriously. Here’s an idea: why not wear a winter jacket and three pairs of snow pants if you’re scared of being bitten?

Yes, you may say, but there’s millions of the undead! True, but there are billions of the living. Many of my fellow humans have been stockpiling baked beans and guns for years, eagerly awaiting the day civilization collapses so that they can declare themselves the Lords of Weehawken, N.J. That’s truly terrifying. And I’m supposed to be scared of a smelly corpse?

How did there get to be millions of zombies anyway? I’m going to guess it went something like this:

  1. The first zombie searches for a hearty meal of brains.
  2. ???
  3. Earth is overrun by zombies!

Another reason I don’t like zombies is because they are so unhealthy. Zombies crave brains, which are high in cholesterol and can also cause you to contract kuru, the human version of Mad Cow Disease. Yes, I know zombies are dead and thus don’t care about their cholesterol levels, but that just proves another point. Zombies are dead but they don’t rot, because don’t think about it. If zombies were subject to the Law of Conservation of Energy, they would not even have the strength to shamble, unless the zombie in question was getting three square meals of brains per day. It would probably take more calories than that, but whatever.

Anyway… apologies to any of my classmates who love zombies. I’m sorry for hating on your favorite monster; I know my favorite monsters are just as unrealistic. I’m guessing my dislike stems from working retail for years. Give me a horde of bloodthirsty zombies over a mob of last-minute shoppers on Christmas Eve any day!

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City of the Living Dead

City of the Living Dead

City of the Living Dead is the first movie in Lucio Fulci’s “Gates of Hell” trilogy. Lucio Fulci is an Italian horror movie director who worked in the late 20th century (mostly the 70’s and 80’s). His movies are cheaply made, nihilistic affairs that revel in excess; Fulci is the guy who goes for the gross-out every time. Love him or hate him, he’s hugely influential.

Set in scenic Dunwich New England, City of the Living Dead opens with a priest hanging himself. Cut to a séance in New York City, where psychic Mary Woodhouse dies of fright, leading to a scene where a hardboiled trench-coated cop questions the other members of the séance. Ah, I thought, here’s our main character, except the cop never appears again.

It’s hard to figure out who the main character of City of the Living Dead is. Is it Mary Woodhouse, miraculously resurrected from the dead? Perhaps it’s Peter Bell, the crusty yet lovable reporter who is old enough to be her father. Or it could be Gerry the psychiatrist, who tells us that 70% of the women in this country are neurotic. Maybe it’s the woman who draws rhinos for a living or young John-John, who wears a Yankees jersey in New England (one of the most unbelievable things about this movie).

In many ways City of the Living Dead is the Spoon River Anthology of horror movies. There are almost too many characters to keep track of. We have the guys who hang around the bar drinking Schlitz; the necking teenagers; the lecherous mortician. And I would be remiss if I didn’t mention town pervert Bob and his blow-up doll, who is unfortunately uncredited. Well, you get the idea. An ensemble cast!

The priest starts hanging around Dunwich. When he stares at you, your eyes bleed. This leads to one of the grossest scenes in horror movie history where a character literally pukes her guts out. A word of warning: don’t eat dinner while watching this. The dead start to rise. We learn there’s a deadline: if Father Vomit isn’t killed a second time by midnight of All Saint’s Day, the Gates of Hell will open! The rest of City of the Living Dead consists of our inept heroes bumbling around while Father Vomit creates teleporting zombies and blows maggot swarms at people.

I have a love-hate relationship with Lucio Fulci: I hated The Beyond and House by the Cemetery, the second and third movies in the “Gates of Hell” trilogy. But I must admit to really liking City of the Living Dead, right up to its gonzo wtf? ending, which supposedly came about because the editor spilled coffee on the film of the original ending. I don’t know if that’s a true story, but I sure hope it is!

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The Living Dead Girl

Living Dead Girl

Living Dead Girl is a return to form for director Jean Rollin. After viewing the disappointing Iron Rose months ago, I worried that the master was losing his touch. I needn’t have fretted; Living Dead Girl is vintage Eurotrash, chockful of sex, violence, gore and nudity.

Three movers haul barrels of toxic waste into a chateau’s crypt. They are in the process of robbing the dead people in said crypt when an earthquake smashes the barrels, releasing toxic fumes into the air. Catherine, who has been dead for two years but still looks great, revives and manages to kill the movers in the bloodiest way possible (poking out eyes, fingers through the throat) without staining her white dress.

Cut to a pair of American tourists. We know they’re Americans because they’re loud assholes who speak English. What else could they be? They’re in a field arguing when the wife snaps a picture of Catherine, who is staggering around in a daze. At this point I was wondering what the hell the plot was going to be, but I needn’t have worried. Many of Mr. Rollin’s movies begin with the characters running/staggering about.

Catherine ends up back in her chateau. She’s wearing white and the walls are deep red, so the symbolism isn’t exactly subtle. The next victims are the chateau’s realtor and her boyfriend, who decide to spend a dirty weekend at the chateau. They get naked in record time, but their lovely moment is interrupted by a ravenous Catherine, who kills and eats them.

A side note: I’m not sure if Catherine is a vampire, a zombie or the Toxic Avenger’s little sister. I’d say a zombie except we see a bat during one of her kill sequences, which makes me think vampire. Anyway, Catherine snaps out of her funk when she hears the voice of Helene – her friend/lover – on the phone. Mr. Rollin is uncharacteristically coy about the particulars of their relationship, but it must have been intense, because Helene is the engine that drives the plot.

Helene rushes to the chateau. Instead of taking Catherine to a hospital or calling the police, she lovingly washes the blood off her friend’s naked body and then hides the bodies of her victims in the crypt. When Catherine gets hungry Helene goes in search of food. Unfortunately, Catherine eats people.

Living Dead Girl is one of the better Jean Rollin movies I’ve seen this year; it ranks up there with Fascination and The Grapes of Death. The sets and scenery are lovely, interspersed with short bursts of over-the-top gore that would make a giallo director proud. Yes, Living Dead Girl is skimpy on plot, but that’s okay. If you like Eurotrash, it doesn’t get much better than this.