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Annihilation Omnibus: Ronan

This is a review of the Ronan miniseries, written by Simon Furman with art by Jorge Lucas, which appears in the Annihilation Omnibus. You can read my reviews of Drax the Destroyer, Nova, The Silver Surfer, and The Super Skrull here, here, here, and here. 

Short summary: the Marvel universe is being invaded by The Annihilation Wave, a space armada hailing from the Negative Zone led by Annihilus, a beaucoup powerful bug warlord. Will this be the last time I have to post this summary? Stay tuned! 

Ronan the Accuser is a Kree. He’s blue, like a Smurf; unlike a Smurf, he’s built like a pro wrestler and wields an enormous hammer. Ronan is an Accuser, which means he passes summary judgment on, well, just about everybody, but especially the Kree. Think judge, jury, and executioner and you’ll get the idea. 

Ronan has been accused of treason! It’s obvious he’s innocent, because people with binary points of view – besides being scary – don’t sell out their ideals, which are baked in. After a rigged trial, Ronan is exiled from Kree Space. 

Ronan’s new goal in life is to track down the alien who gave false testimony and make her reveal who betrayed him. This leads him to Godthab Omega, a gritty planet held together by dirt, spit, and barbed wire. Besides the settlers, this world is occupied by a band of women named the Graces. They are led by Gamora, the self-proclaimed Deadliest Woman in the Universe. 

But wait, there’s more! A cosmic entity named Glorian manipulates Ronan and Gamora into fighting, and uses the power run-off from their battle to terraform the world into something beautiful. Now Godthab Omega has way more trees, which is so nice! This attracts the attention of the Annihilation Wave, because reasons. 

Wow, lots more plot than I expected! Lots of names to look up, too, but that’s my problem not yours. So is this miniseries any good? There is a lot of material crammed into four issues, but if you like space opera set in gritty worlds this is entertaining. 

There is also a touch of humor, which may or may not be intentional. Gamora, the most dangerous woman in the universe, goes into combat wearing a thong. If it was me, I’d wear battle armor, but I’m not the most dangerous woman in the universe. Maybe it’s a battle thong?

I will give Ronan this. He might be a big blue goon, but he sure isn’t a chauvinist. He pulls no punches when battling Gamora as they joyously pummel the crap out of each other. The miniseries moves the larger Annihilation plot forward while also changing Ronan as a character.* Since the big galoot is a mover & shaker in the Annihilation miniseries, which I will review next week, this is a must-read! 

*Addendum: the next time we see Ronan, he tells a Kree commander he’s relieved of duty right before smashing his skull in with his hammer, so maybe he hasn’t changed all that much.

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Legion of Super Heroes: The Great Darkness Saga

This is a review of the Legion of Super-Heroes: The Great Darkness Saga, written by Paul Levitz with art by Keith Giffen. You can read my review of Superboy and the Legion of Super Heroes Volume One here. 

The Legion of Super Heroes are a group of 30th century youngsters with superpowers who have teamed up to defend the universe. Back in the Silver Age they were all teenagers. Thus, the monikers Cosmic Boy, Saturn Girl, Light Lass, etc. The stories in this volume, written in the late 1980s, treat them more as New Adults (early twenties). Think space opera combined with superpowers and dopey melodrama.

By dopey melodrama I’m talking romance, because let’s face it, everyone loves romance!!! How about an example? Light Lass convinces her beau Timber Wolf – who has a face that could scare a block of concrete – to undergo cosmetic surgery. 

Soon afterwards Timber Wolf is shanghaied into a disastrous intel mission on the Khund (not-nice aliens) homeworld. They are rescued in the nick of time by a team led by Saturn Girl, which crashes on an asteroid. By the way, Saturn Girl is Light Lass’ sister-in-law. 

Hey, why doesn’t Light Lass lead the rescue party? Wonder what’s up with that? Our hapless heroes are rescued by another search party led by Light Lass, who sees Saturn Girl and Timber Wolf hugging. Light Lass quits the Legion, giving Timber Wolf an ultimatum – stay or go with her. What will he do? 

In the meantime, Princess Projectra and Karate Kid return to her homeland and are almost burned at the stake. Brainiac Five accidentally resurrects an old Legion foe, Computo, which marks his one billionth screw-up since he joined the team. Everyone forgives him, because they’re used to it. And someone stirs in a deserted old planet in backwater space.

The Legion receives a much-needed shot in the arm when Keith Giffen comes onto the title as artist and co-plotter. We have new Legionnaires – Blok, who is a living rock; Invisible Kid, whose little sister is host to genocidal computer Computo; and The White Witch, a sorceress. 

This volume features the Great Darkness Saga, a five issue storyline that involves the awakening of cosmic menace Darkseid in the 30th century. I am not giving anything away because the cover of this volume shows us Darkseid, who terraforms an entire planet into his effigy. 

Darkseid sends out degraded versions of cloned heroes as his emissaries – to collect items of power, and then people. The Legion is overmatched, especially when Darkseid learns of the existence of the planet Daxam, which orbits a red sun. He warps the planet under a yellow sun, which means billions of super-powered Daxamites under his control! Can the universe survive? Well, yeah, but it’s a big story.  

Nowadays, the Great Darkness Saga would be a special event with multiple issues in twelve different titles. Instead it’s just there – the best Legion of Super Heroes storyline ever created, one of the top superhero comic storylines of the 20th century, and a high point of both of the creators’ careers. If you like superhero comics combined with space opera it doesn’t get any better than this.

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Dawn of the Mummy (1981) Film Review: Eurotrash Zombies Invade Egypt!

A fascinating tidbit (!?!?) about me: I have seen hundreds – maybe thousands – of bad horror movies. As a young man, I lived near a movie rental store called Dollar Video – located in Lodi NJ, childhood home of Danzig of The Misfits! – that collected every cheap horror, sexploitation, nunsploitation, blaxploitation, cannibal, women-in-prison, slasher, softcore, mondo, over-the-top gore flick in existence. 

I was a regular at Dollar Video, to the point where I should’ve gotten a plaque on the wall. It was there that I rented such classics as Rabid Grannies, Satan’s Princess, and Syngenor. I’ve often wondered if my life would have been different without a place like Dollar Video. Did the movies I watched enrich or corrupt my young mind? 

Haha I know nobody gives a shit, so let’s get on with the movie review!

I rented Dawn of the Mummy at Dollar Video decades ago. Rewatching the film, I found it to be an interesting blend of American B-movie and Eurotrash sleaze. This makes sense, as the movie was produced by an American company with an Italian crew.

Dawn of the Mummy shies away from any sort of nudity, which no Eurotrash film would ever do. Instead, we enjoy shots of two people with their clothes on embracing in bed. I am not exaggerating when I say this is contrary to everything Eurotrash has ever stood for.

However, what we see of the special effects are vintage Eurotrash. Unfortunately, since parts of this movie are very dark and grainy it is tough to view many of those effects. A certain mean spiritedness that screams Eurotrash pervades this film. When an Arabic man pulls back the curtain to greet his bride on his wedding night, the zombies are eating her. 

To the plot! Three bumbling grave robbers disturb the tomb of Safiraman/Sefirama (I am unsure of the exact spelling, so will use Safiraman). They are accosted by Xena, Lunatic of the Sands, who entreats them not to disturb Safiraman’s rest. Later in the movie, Xena rejoices at Safiraman’s awakening. Perhaps she wants to be on Safiraman’s good side after his undead legions overrun the earth, or maybe she even wants to be Safiraman’s queen! Alas, Xena’s plans are throttled – along with Xena – when Safiraman strangles her.

The American fashion models arrive soon after the raiders open the tomb. Yes, you heard correctly. These models and photographers have a permit to film ANYWHERE in Egypt, and they’ve taken a hankering to Safiraman’s final resting place! 

Rick, the brains of the tomb raiders, sabotages a camera and then resigns himself to waiting around. When one of the models takes a liking to him, they don’t show that sex scene, which means the participants must have taken their clothes off.

Safiraman awakens! The first item on his To-Do list is to destroy the violators of his tomb. To do that, he needs his trusty undead legions, who soon rise. Safiraman is a mummy but his legions are zombies who munch on flesh, entrails, and intestines.

In the meantime, the models are growing restless because Bill the photographer wants to get as many shots as possible. Every B-movie needs its resident asshole, and Bill seems to qualify, but is it true? I can see how Bill would want to get all the shots he can. Perhaps the most disturbing feature of this movie is the fact that I empathized with the least likable character.

Dawn of the Mummy is fifteen minutes too long. It would have been perfect between 75 and 80 minutes. Gore aside, it is a funny movie. Most mummy movies are campy by design, and this is no exception. 

I would classify Dawn of the Mummy as an American B-movie with Eurotrash special effects. It isn’t a can’t-miss classic, but if you have a hankering for a campy mummy movie with gory effects, you could do worse.

This month, I am reviewing Eurotrash zombie movies. You can read reviews of Burial Ground, Zombie, Hell of the Living Dead, and Zombie Lake here, here, here, and here. If you like these reviews and want BONUS CONTENT, consider subscribing to my Substack, also called Abandoned Places. Next month I will be reviewing Frankenstein movies!

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Annihilation Omnibus: Super Skrull

This is a review of the Super Skrull miniseries, written by Javier Grillo-Marxuach with art by Gregory Titus, which appears in the Annihilation Omnibus. You can read my reviews of Drax the Destroyer, Nova, and The Silver Surfer here, here, and here. 

Short summary: the Marvel universe is being invaded by The Annihilation Wave, a space armada hailing from the Negative Zone led by Annihilus, a beaucoup powerful bug warlord. Will the Marvel universe survive? What do you think? 

First, some background: The Super Skrull, aka Kl’rt, is a Fantastic Four villain who has been around since the 1960’s. I believe he was featured in the 1967 Hanna-Barbera Fantastic Four cartoon! Kl’rt is super strong, can absorb almost limitless amounts of energy, can project invisible force fields, and has a malleable molecular structure. He’s also totally ruthless, can shape change into anything he wants, and has hypnotic abilities to boot. 

If you think it makes no sense that he’d lose to the Fantastic Four 97,654 times, you would be correct. Apparently, the Fantastic Four are stronger because they fight together as a family, which is comic book logic at its finest. Since the Super Skrull is a popular villain, the powers-that-be at Marvel keep on bringing him back. 

In this miniseries, the Super Skrull wants to stop something called The Death Star – er, Harvester of Sorrow, a living world-destroying weapon which is scything through the Skrull Empire like a hot knife through butter. Kl’rt is fanatically loyal to the Skrull Empire, but the Skrull Empire no longer exists. Now it’s just a collection of warlords.

The Super Skrull pleads for aid with one of those warlords, who laughs at him. Because of his past failures, Kl’rt is viewed as a joke by his fellow Skrulls and is openly jeered. This is not smart, as many Skrulls discover moments before they die.

An angry Kl’rt kills scores of his countrymen, but is hopelessly outgunned. He’s rescued from certain death by R’kin, a scrappy Skrull youth who idolizes him. If Kl’rt was a hero, he and young R’kin would bond and perhaps he’d mentor the youth! 

The thing is, Kl’rt isn’t a hero. He is a supervillain who uses any means at his disposal (torture, murder, mutilation, etc.) to get what he wants, leaving behind a trail of broken, twisted, charred – you get the idea. Annihilation as a whole features characters who range from morally gray (reborn Drax) to black (Super Skrull) to mass murderers (old Drax) to genocidal (Silver Surfer).  Nova is the only uninteresting protagonist of the bunch, because he’s a dyed-in-the wool goody-two-shoes. 

Anyway, the Super Skrull and R’kin travel to the Negative Zone. They pick up a hardscrabble army on a prison planet, as well as a virus bioweapon to destroy the Harvester of Sorrow. There’s even a hint of romance between Kl’rt and living robot Praxagora, which is bizarre as they are totally different life forms, but love conquers all boundaries! Alas, they are betrayed. 

Instead of killing the Super Skrull, his enemies haul him into the Harvester of Sorrow. Would you bring someone who can absorb/expel almost limitless amounts of energy into your living bio-weapon? Anyone with a functioning brain knows what happens next.

Super Skrull is my favorite Annihilation miniseries. Partly that’s because it is a self-contained storyline with a beginning and an end. Partly it’s because of the Super Skrull himself, who is a character with a short but very intense shelf life. Sometimes it’s fun to watch a villain romp, but you don’t want him to overstay his welcome, and this miniseries doesn’t do that. Recommended for lovers of space opera comics and obscure Marvel characters.

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Zombie Lake (1981): The Worst Naked-Women-Skinny-Dipping-with-Zombies Eurotrash Movie!

Say you are hosting a party that’s gone on waaay too long, and you want people to leave, but you do not want to appear rude. Don’t worry, I’ve got you covered. Just pop a copy of Zombie Lake (1981) into your trusty DVD player (you still have a DVD player, right?). In five minutes, everyone will have fled and you’ll be all alone! Of course, you might stay alone the rest of your life because nobody will ever talk to you again, but that’s another problem.

Is Zombie Lake that bad? Yes. Yes, it is. Director Jean Rollin disavowed this movie. Mr. Rollin, one of the guiding lights of 1970’s Eurotrash cinema, has also directed porn and even filmed a scene featuring a man french-kissing a woman’s severed head. 

Zombie Lake begins with a young lady who skinny-dips in a lake, ignoring the omnipresent signs that say DON’T SWIM HERE. She leaps right into the water, which is full of frogs, leeches, snapping turtles, and Nazi zombies. Sure enough, a Nazi zombie rises from the scummy depths and pulls her down.

Once awakened, the zombies decide they deserve some fun and shamble from the muddy waters of the lake to wreak havoc at a nearby French village. Why? Cue the flashback! Ten years ago, an occupying German soldier rescued a female villager during World War II. 

They have a beautiful moment together in a barn where the camera focuses on her love-contorted face – and stays there, not moving. After fathering a daughter, the soldier is slaughtered by the French Resistance and dumped into the lake with his murdered comrades. The mother dies also, because she read the script.

The zombies mostly attack nubile young women. The highlight – or lowlight – of this movie is when the women’s volleyball team all decide to go skinny-dipping in the lake, because that’s totally normal. The sole survivor rushes screaming into the village, where she bursts into the local tavern in a naked frenzy. 

Meanwhile, Daddy zombie visits his ten-year old daughter to give her the locket gifted to him by the girl’s mother while sappy music plays in the background. Later in the movie, he fights another Nazi zombie who wants to hurt her!

Watching them roll around in the damp grass in slow motion, I began to reassess my life. I burst into tears and had an emotional breakdown. After that, I went for a long walk and then drove three hundred miles to Central Park to watch the grass grow. When I came back, the zombies were still rolling around in the grass. 

After 80+ minutes of agony, the girl lures the zombies into the mill, where they are torched by a flamethrower and the movie lurches to a merciful end. As I took the DVD from the player with numb fingers, the same thought kept running through my head…I will never get that $12.95 back.

Zombie Lake is an exploitation film that combines several subgenres, Nazisploitation and sexploitation. Unfortunately, its main subgenre is boringsploitation. Yes, there are many naked swimmers in this movie, but it is a horribly unsexy film. The nudity feels clinical rather than exciting. If you want to see a wonderful scene of a beautiful woman swimming underwater, watch The Creature From the Black Lagoon, a flawed movie with great cinematography.

I do not recommend Zombie Lake to anyone. The story is deathly dull, the plot isn’t scary, the violence is goofy, and the zombie makeup is so bad you can see where it flakes off on their necks. I say this as a huge fan of Jean Rollin, who has directed some of the greatest Eurotrash movies ever. Just skip this one.

This month, I am reviewing Eurotrash zombie movies. You can read reviews of Burial Ground, Zombie, and Hell of the Living Dead here, here, and here. If you like these reviews and want some bonus content, consider subscribing to my Substack, Abandoned Places!

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Dracula Lives!

This is a review of Dracula Lives!, a black-and-white horror magazine published by Marvel in the 1970s. These thirteen issues are best viewed as a companion piece to the horror comic, Tomb of Dracula, also produced by Marvel. You can read my reviews of Tomb of Dracula Volumes One and Two here and here. 

Dracula Lives! is written by comic luminaries such as Roy Thomas, Tony Isabella, Doug Moench, and Steve Gerber. There is a rotating ensemble of illustrators, and in general the art surpasses the writing. The magazine features (mostly) three original Dracula stories per issue, along with trivia and short fiction. We are treated to ‘adult’ content in the form of semi-nudity, most of it female. Dracula himself is naked in a few panels, but we do not see the Vampire Lord’s junk. 

The stories are a mixed bag. Dracula’s origin is recounted. The best part of this tale is the art by the great Neal Adams, with the origin itself being boilerplate villain melodrama. Dracula gains vengeance on his enemies and declares everlasting war on the human race, blah-blah-blah. This story exists because the powers-that-be wanted to give Dracula an origin story, which he doesn’t need.

We have tales featuring a washed-up old horror film actor who believes he’s Dracula, Dracula stalking the halls of the Vatican, and the Count’s ongoing battle with the sorcerer Cagliostro during the French Revolution. Dracula bites a junky in New York City and has to go cold turkey! Dracula encounters a Voodoo Queen in New Orleans! Dracula enjoys the hospitality of Countess Bathory and Marie Antoinette! Dracula vs. The Silver Chastiser, Champion of the Puritans! That last one’s not true, but there is a story with Solomon Kane (a Robert E. Howard character) and werewolves that’s pretty good.

My favorite story is set during the second World War. The Nazis occupy Dracula’s castle and discover that a vampire stalks the halls of the ancient keep. This tale did not go the way I expected, and is the only one of the batch that I found genuinely unsettling. Close second goes to a story written by Gerry Conway about death stalking Dracula. Mr. Conway is a very workmanlike writer, but he can pull a gem out of his hat. 

These stories mostly appear in the first few issues of the magazine. As time goes on, the tie-ins with Tomb of Dracula end, which is both a good thing and a bad thing. No longer having to piece together storylines from multiple titles is a relief, but the magazine loses its identity and becomes a Tales from the Crypt anthology vehicle. Promising storylines are dropped. Dracula vs. Cagliostro goes bye-bye just as it was getting interesting.

In general, the material in later issues is more generic. A New York City street cop encounters Dracula on his last night on the job. A gunslinger stalks Dracula in Europe. A man tries and fails to protect his blind wife from Dracula. A fair bit of the prose in this series is truly purple, which befits a character of Dracula’s stature. In one of the stories, a woman calls Dracula pompous as she sticks a dagger into his belly. When it has no effect, she tells him she didn’t mean it.

Towards the end of Dracula Lives! run, we are treated to two installments of Lilith, Dracula’s Little Girl hanging out in Greenwich Village. Lilith, Mass Murderer is more accurate. After she murdered 75 people on an airplane (in Tomb of Dracula), I have issues taking her seriously as a protagonist. 

Perhaps that’s a Me problem, but I don’t think so. Do you know how much fan mail and how many marriage proposals Ted Bundy got in prison? Lilith may be a mass-murderer, but she sure looks good in those black tights! If you are attractive, you can get away with a lot of shit.

The serialization of Bram Stoker’s Dracula novel, which also takes place in later issues, fares much better. This is a competent retelling of the novel that features great artwork by Dick Giordano. Since Dracula is a melodramatic potboiler, it works very well in graphic format. Too bad they never finished it.  

As far as I know, the issues of Dracula Lives! have never been collected on their own. You can buy the individual issues or purchase them along with the Tomb of Dracula Complete Collection volumes . If you enjoy 1970’s monster magazines and can’t get enough of Dracula, it’s worth the price.

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Hell of the Living Dead (1980) Review: Eurotrash Zombie Jungle Hell

Hell of the Living Dead is an amalgam of two crazes that swept grindhouse cinemas in the 1970s, jungle cannibalism and zombies. A word of warning: make sure you are renting/buying the correct film. According to IMDB, this movie is also known as Virus, Night of the Zombies, and Zombie Creeping Flesh. I ended up viewing twenty minutes of Zombie 3, another movie, before realizing my mistake. 

When I rented Hell of the Zombies, it skipped ten minutes into the film. I watched the first ten minutes afterwards, but didn’t need to. In fact, I believe the movie is better without the introductory sequence. By the way, I reviewed two other Eurotrash zombie movies, Burial Ground and Lucio Fulci’s Zombie, here and here.

To the plot! A power plant in New Guinea run by an organization called Hope (irony!) malfunctions. Long story short, a dead rat clambers into a guy’s hazmat suit, which leads to pipes releasing noxious green gas that kills everybody. Except they’re not dead! 

Cut to an embassy, where we meet our special forces heroes, four guys who dress in blue fatigues and blue caps that make them look like janitors instead of highly trained soldiers. Maybe the costume budget ran out? 

They are sent on a secret mission in New Guinea, where we meet a pair of reporters stuck in a van with an angry man, his sullen wife, and their sick child. The kid seems to be on his last legs, but nobody helps him. This is strange, as you’d think his parents would want to get him medical attention.

Instead, the reporters leave the van and take a leisurely stroll around the deserted town. The wife takes a walk also – probably to get away from her husband – and is eaten by a zombie. The man is asleep in the van when his son dies, becomes a zombie, and eats him. Nothing in this scene makes any sense.

The reporters are the only survivors. They  join up with our four blue-clad Rambos, who are concerned they’ll blab about their ultra secret mission, but bring them anyway. Good thing they did, because they need intel to complete their mission! 

Enter the female reporter, who proves her worth by stripping down to a skimpy thong and dressing like a native. She infiltrates a village and learns that the plague is spreading amongst the natives. Since the zombies are literally everywhere, this is obvious, but it’s still a job well done! I can only imagine the brainstorming session that produced this plot point.

Hell of the Dead soon settles into a pattern, with our commandos killing bunches of zombies and then driving away. We witness grainy jungle footage, exotic animals, and wild dancing, as well as the natives disemboweling animals and eating unspeakably gross things. 

Turns out our blue-clad Smurfs aren’t just mindless killing machines. One of them has a thing for female reporters, but his hard-ass leader won’t put up with any of that romance bullshit. The commando who looks like Klaus Kinski enjoys taunting the zombies before blowing their heads off, which seems stupid but is realistic as a reaction to stress. 

The fourth commando is the quiet one, and you know what they say about the quiet ones. He wears a backwards cap and drives the jeep. But he harbors a terrible – or awesome – secret, which leads to the high point of this movie.

The Blue Goons check out a house. There is no reason to do this, other than the fact that they read the script. Backwards Cap Guy is sent to canvas the basement, where he throws away his guns and drapes a little green dress over his blue camos. Donning a tophat, brandishing a cane, he waltzes until the zombies gobble him up.

Undeterred, our valiant friends soldier on until they reach the Hope power plant, where we learn that Hope’s vision statement is solving the world’s overpopulation problem by designing a chemical that will make people in third world countries eat each other. IMO, this is nasty enough to seem plausible. The commandos’ mission is to destroy the incriminating documents, which they do before the zombies eat everybody. The end.

Hell of the Living Dead was supposedly inspired by Dawn of the Dead, and the two movies are similar in that they both contain the word Dead. By Eurotrash standards, this is a decent movie that becomes a great movie if you watch it drunk. Don’t watch it high, or when you are eating dinner. Actually, do not watch any Eurotrash movie when eating dinner. However, if you are a fan of cheesy 1980’s zombie jungle movies, this is a must-see.

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Tomb of Dracula Complete Collection Volume Two

This is a review of Tomb of Dracula Complete Collection Volume Two. You can read my review of the first volume, here. The premise of this graphic novel is simple. The Lord of Vampires awakens in the Swingin’ Seventies and moves to London, where he feasts upon an endless supply of nubile young women.

Dracula is opposed by a group of fearless vampire hunters – Buffy, er Rachel Van Helsing, crossbow wielder; Blade, vampire hunter; Taj Nital, who does not speak; Quincy Harker, mastermind; and last but least, Frank Drake, total loser. Please note that this comic series was released decades before Buffy.

Highlights of this volume include a visit from green-pants-lover Werewolf by Night. After that, Dracula and Rachel Van Helsing embark on the Hike from Hell in the Alps. The WTF Award goes to Rachel, who waits eight hours until nightfall to try and stake Dracula and misses. We also see the Lord of the Vampires being attacked by a psycho mountain goat.

After that, Dracula is captured by Dr. Sun – a pickled brain in a jar –  and must fight the good doctor’s proxy, a vampire biker dude who has all of Dracula’s memories. Dr. Sun is obsessed with vampires, because he needs an unending supply of human blood to survive. Instead of transferring his brain into the Lord of the Vampires, he decides to, uhhh…

…what the hell is Dr. Sun doing, anyway? I read this, and I honestly don’t know. Maybe I should read it again? Hell, no! Once is enough. Whatever he does, it fails. Let’s just say that the Dr. Sun storyline reads more like science fiction than horror and is the weakest storyline thus far, and leave it at that.

Dracula returns to London and a story set in a haunted mansion that reads like a parody of a Gothic novel. We have our Gothic heroine, Shiela (that’s how it’s spelled) Whittier, who is tormented by a poltergeist/father figure/BDSM daddy. She is rescued by Dracula, who is a thousand times worse. Things end badly for her, just as things end badly for most of the human cast of this book. Unlike Dracula, they are not immortal.

This volume also collects the Vampire Lord’s guest appearance in Frankenstein’s Monster. Yes, the Frankenstein Monster had his own comic in the 1970’s! Why doesn’t anyone remember it? Well, it might be because it wasn’t very good.

The Monster is adopted by a Gypsy (this is the term used in the comic, not a slur) woman at the behest of her grandmother, who turns out to be a vampire. She awakens Dracula and kills a villager. The villagers kill the Gypsies. The Monster rumbles into the village and kills villagers. The villagers try to burn the Monster at the stake.

The Monster leaves the village to kill Dracula after telling the villagers they shouldn’t judge people by appearances. The villagers think maybe they were wrong about the Monster, except in the previous issue he killed a bunch of them. The Monster kills Dracula, who turns into a skeleton so that the next rube can pull the stake from his heart.

We also meet Dracula’s Little Girl, Lilith, who is the daughter of the Vampire Lord’s first wife. Dracula claims he hates Lilith because he hated her mother – in a flashback, we see him slapping his first wife. This is untrue. Dracula hates Lilith because she is a woman, and in this comic he is written as a misogynist who views women as either playthings or a food source. That being said, Lilith is vicious. She is not worse than Dracula – that’s impossible – but she gives him a run for the money.

I will be honest, here. Gene Colan’s phantasmagoric art on Tomb of Dracula is incredible. With the exception of the “team-up” between Dracula and Spider-Man that takes place on a cruise ship and is a lot of fun, the writing is depressing. There is a lot of violence against women, much of it casual – women are slapped, punched, gaslighted, and treated as objects. 

To me, Tomb of Dracula gives off the same vibe as The Walking Dead. If I read too many issues at once, I want to rip my eyes out of my sockets. Perhaps I am feeling this way because I DID read too many issues at once. It’s hard for me to tell at this point. If you like vampire stories, Gene Colan’s art, or are a Dracula groupie, this is worth a read.

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A Review of Zombie (1979), by Lucio Fulci: A Eurotrash Masterpiece

Lucio Fulci’s Zombie is the perfect movie to watch when you are discovering you might have a drinking problem. The first time I watched this film was at a high school party, when we sat around the television set in the living room drinking beer and watching this flick on VHS. 

Many of my fellow partygoers were hooking up and slipping away to look at the stars, discuss the meaning of life, and paw at each other, but I was made of different stuff. Besides all the beer, I ended up eating a whole box of Oreo cookies and barely made it to the eyeball piercing scene before spewing up black chunks everywhere. I’m sure I looked like one of the zombies in this movie!

When I watched Zombie a second time as part of my Eurotrash zombie watch – you can read my review of Burial Ground here – it was better than I remembered, but my memories are so hazy so that means nothing. I quit drinking thirty-one years ago. If I hadn’t quit, I’d be as dead as one of the zombies in this movie.

Zombie is a 1979 Italian zombie flick directed by Lucio Fulci. Unlike many of his later films, this has a plot, even if the plot doesn’t make much sense. An empty sailboat floats into New York Harbor, just like the scene in Dracula when the ghost ship Demeter sails into Whitby. The boat isn’t as empty as it seems, as an unfortunate Coast Guard officer discovers when a zombie rips his throat out!

Enter Anne Bowles, daughter of the boat’s owner. Anne has no idea what’s going on and she hasn’t read the script, so she joins forces with a hard-boiled NYC reporter with a British accent. They trace her father to a Caribbean island, which they reach by hooking up with a couple on a boat. 

I’m not sure what the guy does, but his girlfriend’s hobby is topless scuba diving, one of the many things that screams Eurotrash about this film. While underwater, she sees a shark fighting a zombie, which often happens. She has a camera but doesn’t take pictures of the battle, because who’d want to see something like that?

Cut to the isle, where a woman starts off the morning on the right note by telling her doctor husband how much she hates him. He slaps her and then goes off to his job of wrapping people up in sheets and shooting them in the head. No sooner has he driven off when the zombies attack, which leads to the infamous eyeball piercing scene. Warning: there are many, many gross scenes in this movie.

Meanwhile, our marooned heroes meet the doctor, who tells Anne he was great friends with her father. Since we see a flashback of him shooting her father in the head, perhaps he’s exaggerating. Doc asks them to check on the beloved wife he just slapped. Since everyone in this movie is crazy, they agree.

When they reach the doctor’s house, they find the zombies busy eating his wife, and rush back to the hospital as drums beat in the distance. The doctor tells them a) the dead are rising; b) he’s trying to find the cure. What I want to know is, what is he trying to cure? Get the hell out of there.

The zombies attack the compound when the sun sets. Despite moving slower than grampa shambling on his walker, they kill almost everyone. The survivors reach the boat and set sail. After turning on the radio, perhaps in search of the Bee Gees, they learn that zombies have taken New York City. 

Looking back now, I realize I did have a drinking problem, which was obvious to anyone who knew me. The real shock is how heavily edited the version of Zombie I saw back then was. I don’t recall the topless scuba diving scene at all. I would have remembered, no matter how drunk I was.

If you are an aficionado of Eurotrash zombie movies, it doesn’t get much better than Zombie. Character development has left the building, replaced by a bizarre combination of bare skin and gore. Gore wins by a country mile – we have worms, intestines, and technicolor bile. I will leave you with a friendly warning. Don’t eat Oreo cookies when watching this movie. Recommended!

An earlier version of this review was published on my Substack, Abandoned Places. If you like reviews of horror movies/comics/short stories, please consider subscribing!

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Annihilation Omnibus: Silver Surfer

This is a review of the Silver Surfer miniseries, written by Keith Giffen with art by Renato Arlem, which appears in the Annihilation Omnibus. You can read my reviews of Drax the Destroyer and Nova here and here. 

The Annihilation Wave is coming, so lock your doors! On second thought, don’t bother. Since The Annihilation Wave is a space armada hailing from the Negative Zone led by bug warlord Annihilus, it won’t do any good. Annihilus is invading us because our universe is expanding and the Negative Zone is shrinking. This is a crazy reason to declare war on a universe, but you don’t get to be a bug warlord by being sane.

This miniseries features the Silver Surfer, a silver dude who flies around on his cosmic surfboard. I kid you not. He’s also known as Norrin Radd, ex-Herald of Galactus. Who is Galactus, you ask? Why, he’s a big purple and pink dude who travels the universe devouring planets. The Silver Surfer was his original herald, which means he found worlds for Galactus to eat.

In other words, the Surfer is an accessory to genocide, mass murder, Armageddon – whatever you want to call it. He leads Galactus to Earth and then has a change of heart and turns against him. The Purple World Eater doesn’t take this well and gives the Surfer the boot. That’s why he’s an ex-herald.

Whew, that’s a lot of exposition! Anyway, the Surfer is being stalked by Annihilus’ minions, a bunch of big grey hardbody dudes with space-dogs led by Ravenous. Annihilus wants to harness the Power Cosmic, and since Galactus goes through heralds like socks, Ravenous and his boys have been busy. 

After beating up on Ravenous but not killing him, the Surfer once again becomes Galactus’ herald. But not before the Silver One has a crisis of faith. What is the difference between the Annihilation Wave and what Galactus does?

The difference, apparently, is that what Galactus does is part of the Galactic Order. How do we know this? Well, Galactus tells us. I mean, if I was Galactus, I might say the same thing, but I digress. We also see Thanos, who I think starred in some movie, meet up with Annihilus. Afterwards, Thanos has a pow-wow with Tenebrous and Aegis, two beings on par with Galactus. Seems like trouble might be brewing!

The Silver Surfer is an interesting character, quiet, introspective, thoughtful. Perhaps these qualities are what make him a good herald? I dunno. Anyway, this storyline seems mostly about advancing the plot for the upcoming Annihilation miniseries, so it’s not as interesting as the others. But you do need to read it, if you want to read Annihilation, which I think is a good idea. Recommended for lovers of space opera comics and dudes on cosmic surfboards.