The Autopsy of Jane Doe is the best movie I’ve seen in 2017. Granted, so far I’ve only watched three movies, but this one will be hard to beat. The title describes the plot as a father-and-son coroner team tries to discover what killed Jane Doe, found half-buried at a crime scene. Austin and Tommy Tilden are finishing up work for the day when the sheriff wheels Jane in and tells them he needs a cause-of-death, ASAP. Austin (the son) cancels a date to help his dad out.
It’s a good thing he does because Jane presents quite the puzzle. She has a substance under her fingernails (peat) not native to the area, an artificially elongated waist and her body has been subjected to all sorts of abuse that can’t be seen on the surface. Performed in a creepy basement that went out of style in the early 50’s, the autopsy starts out weird – with an insect flying out of Jane’s nose – and descends into delirium by degrees. As Austin and Tommy delve deeper, the radio starts playing bizarre songs, the family cat meets an unfortunate fate and morgue drawers slide open, discharging their occupants.
Please note that there is an autopsy in The Autopsy of Jane Doe, so squeamish folks should take care. There are lots of jump scares, including a creepy rendition of Let the Sun Shine In, but the autopsy – horrible, yet mundane – is unsettling enough on its own and takes center stage. It’s only at the end that The Autopsy of Jane Doe becomes more of a conventional horror movie.
I must confess that I spent most of The Autopsy of Jane Doe waiting for the titular character to move or sit up. Upon rewatching the movie I saw and heard details I didn’t notice on the first viewing. Without resorting to spoilers, I’d suggest paying attention to the camera’s gaze, because the director conveys what is happening there.
Does anyone remember Renny Harlin, the man who directed such classics as Die Hard 2, Nightmare on Elm Street 4 and Deep Blue Sea? He’s at it again, directing Devil’s Pass, a movie I never heard of. I’d like to tell you that I saw the credits and was like, damn, it’s Renny Harlin, I have to watch this. After all, Mr. Harlin is responsible for more than a few classic cinematic moments, most notably Samuel Jackson’s inspired speech in Deep Blue Sea. Alas, it’s not true. I didn’t see his name until the end credits.
The plot of Devil’s Pass: five young filmmakers decide to travel to the Ural Mountains of Russia to visit Dyatlov Pass. Nine hikers mysteriously died in 1959 at Dyatlov Pass, which is now the epicenter of all manner of crackpot conspiracy theories. It appears that the Russian government is still covering up something…I guess? As one of the characters points out, our heroes had to state the purpose of their visit when they applied for their visas, so if there were mysterious secrets the Russian government was hiding the easiest thing to do would be to deny those visas. But I suppose that would be suspicious so the next best thing to do is let our headstrong youths into Russia and then (mild spoilers) try to kill them, thus drawing international attention to the area. Yeah, that part’s not too clear.
Anyway, our heroes – two women and three guys – are all stupid, attractive young people. Holly is so obsessed with Dyatlov Pass she dreams about it and her buddy Jensen is a conspiracy theorist and filmmaker (this movie is supposed to be found footage, although it looks way too good to be found footage). Denise is the audio engineer, although there are times she doesn’t stick her boom mic in people’s faces and you can still hear them fine. Luke and Ryan are hikers and sure are handsome. None of them have personalities. Holly’s obsessed, Jensen has a crush on Denise who hooks up with Ryan, and Luke reads Kurt Vonnegut.
The early scenes are fine. The Russian town’s cars are all covered in a few feet of snow and there are dogs everywhere. Instead of the typical scene where a native warns them not to proceed, the bartender gives our heroes a shot of the local rotgut. We learn this is the same rotgut the 1959 hikers drank before embarking, although how the bartender knows this is a mystery.
The first half of Devil’s Pass builds slowly. Romantic tension brews, because there’s nothing like hiking all day in subzero temperatures to ramp up the ole’ sex drive. Strange Yeti footprints appear around the tents and then vanish into thin air, which is impossible. The others suspect Holly and Jensen of fucking with them, maybe because there’s no other sane explanation.
Our Scooby Gang – one of the characters even refers to Holly as Velma – soon finds a door buried under the snow. Three of them make it through that door, and that’s when Devil’s Pass falls to piece. This is the second X-Files inspired movie I’ve seen in the past few weeks (the first was Honeymoon, highly recommended for people who enjoy body horror). I can’t proceed any further without massive spoilers, but what happens next makes no sense at all if you think about it. Unfortunately, I do think about it.
Devil’s Pass is still recommended, because parts of it are fun and hey, it’s Renny Harlin!
I watched David Cronenberg’s Rabid on New Year’s Day, and it was the perfect palate cleanser to a long, shitty year. Fuck you, 2016! Along with Black Christmas (the 1974 version), Rabid perfectly captures the spirit of the end-of-the year holidays and should be required viewing. Fuck you also, It’s A Wonderful Life!
Black Christmas is full of fun family exploits, if your family is from Hell: a drunken Margot Kidder making fun of her virginal sorority sister while everyone watches; the sorority’s house mother being more concerned about her missing cat than her missing charge; the homicidal maniac displaying his latest victim in the attic window like an oversized Christmas ornament with nobody noticing or caring.
Rabid is a different type of holiday movie. Those who work in retail are all-too-aware that the passing of Thanksgiving signals a sinister transformation in the general public. As the holidays loom ever closer, seemingly normal folks become frenzied lunatics, frothing and screaming and fighting and acting like the infected in Rabid. The week between Christmas and New Year’s is the worst, with people lurching around like drunks on a three-day bender, running on Jack Daniel fumes, airplane glue and Red Bull.
If you love the holidays I apologize…but it’s still true.
The plot of Rabid: Rose (Marilyn Chambers) and her boyfriend Hart get into a motorcycle accident. Luckily the accident occurs near Dr. Keloid’s clinic. Yes, the good doctor runs a plastic surgery clinic, but Rose won’t survive the trip to the hospital. Most of the people in Keloid’s clinic are repeat customers, seemingly addicted to plastic surgery. Interestingly, Cronenberg’s wonderful The Brood features characters addicted to psychotherapy.
Keloid uses an experimental plastic surgery technique, paired with a healthy dollop of pseudoscientific psychobabble, to graft skin onto Rose’s burn wounds and thus save her life. I sure don’t understand what he does, but best not to sweat the details. The gist of it is that Rose wakes with a fleshy needle penis embedded in her armpit. Piercing people with said fleshy needle penis gives Rose blood and sexual pleasure and turns her victims into frothing, raving maniacs who infect others with their saliva.
The plague spreads to Quebec, where authorities cordon off the city and shoot anyone who’s infected. A stone-faced doctor says to a television interviewer – ‘this may not be palatable to your viewers, but – ” Indeed.
Many of the deaths are quite lively, let’s put it that way. Still, life in the big city goes on as normally as possible. When a crazy attacks, the men in the hazmat suits shoot him and throw him in a dumpster. Passerbys do a fine job ignoring the hassle and getting on with their lives, which I believe to be very realistic. Yes, it’s the zombie apocalypse, but people still have to get to work.
Rose bunks with a friend in Quebec, who’s begging to be killed and doesn’t know it. Rose doesn’t want to kill her so she goes to places like the mall and sleazy movie theatres seeking prey. She tells a creep at a porno movie, ‘I like these type of movies but am afraid of being hit on by creeps.’ The creep puts an arm around her shoulder, she leans into him and it’s Game Over.
One of the interesting things about Rabid is that it’s unclear how aware Rose is that she’s a monster – or if she even is a monster. Earlier in the movie she accidentally kills a woman in a hot tub and hides her body in the freezer, so there must be a kernel of self-awareness. Still, as Rose tells her boyfriend when they meet up again (a meeting that does not go well), ‘none of this is my fault.’ And she’s right.
So whose fault is it? Rabid doesn’t blame anyone. Doctor Keloid was just trying to save Rose’s life. Rose needs blood to stay alive. Life is complicated and then you turn into a frothing maniac and the guys in the hazmat suits shoot you and you die.
Here’s a list of the eleven favorite horror movies I saw in 2016.
ACROSS THE RIVER Italian horror flick about an ethologist who ends up stranded in a not-quite abandoned village in the woods. The rest of the movie consists of him investigating strange creaks and sounds and awaiting the inevitable as the last two residents of the village toy with him. I’m sure lots of people would find this unutterably boring, but I liked it. Lots of unanswered questions, here. Why is the old man cutting into the pillow? Why are they circling the tree?
THE BAY Found-footage flick about tongue-eating parasites in the Chesapeake Bay who decide to crash the town of Claridge, Maryland’s annual 4th of July festivities. This movie features an ensemble cast, including a TV reporter with too-tight pants, a couple who decide to travel to Claridge via speedboat with their newborn and a mayor who dumps a few hundred tons of steroid-tainted chicken shit into the bay. My favorite character is Ms. Crustacean, who – alas – only has a bit part. I don’t think this movie was well-marketed, but it’s well-done and the filmmakers resist the urge to unveil a goofy-looking monster. The critters in this flick are small but mean; they eat you from the inside-out.
BLACK CHRISTMAS Directed by Bob Clark, who also made A Christmas Story and Porky’s, this proto-slasher should be required holiday viewing. This movie differs from your average slasher movie in that the Final Girl dies first. A group of sorority sisters start getting X-rated phone calls from a disturbed individual. Turns out said disturbed individual lives in the sorority house’s attic, where he displays one of his victims in the attic window like an oversized Christmas ornament. A great cast includes Olivia Hussey, Margot Kidder and John Saxon. Am pretty sure someone involved with this movie had an asphyxiation fetish.
THE BROOD Freaky David Cronenberg flick about monster kids, addiction to therapy and nasty divorces. Interestingly, Cronenberg’s wonderful movie Rabid features characters addicted to plastic surgery. This flick features some truly disturbing violence and standout performances by Oliver Reed and Samantha Egger.
CHRONOS Underrated Del Toro movie about a kindly old antique dealer bitten by an ancient bug scarab that makes him younger and gives him a hankering for blood. A young Ron Perlman steals the show.
COUNT YORGA, VAMPIRE 70’s quasi-remake of Dracula. At first I thought this would be one of those made for TV movies featuring a bunch of over-the-hill Hollywood stars but it turned into a surprisingly nasty flick. The characters are cardboard cutout, but Robert Quarry is very good as Count Yorga and the ending is great.
FINAL PRAYER Found-footage flick. A Vatican debunking team descends upon on an old church built on a pagan site, intent on debunking, with bloody results.
A GIRL WALKS HOME ALONE AT NIGHT Black-and-white Persian vampire movie shot in California. The Girl listens to pop tunes, skateboards, hangs out with – and feeds on – her fellow nightcrawlers and is bored out of her mind. That changes when she meets a stoned drug-dealer dressed as Count Dracula. Kiss or kill?
IT FOLLOWS Supernatural entity stalks and kills teens who have sex. The monster is slow but it changes shape and you can’t stop it and the only way you can get rid of it is by having sex with someone else. A bizarre movie with lots of visually interesting moments. Why is the girl at the movie’s start wearing bright red high heels when she’s at home with her parents? Why is the e-reader shaped like a seashell soap dish? Beats me.
LAKE MUNGO Girl drowns in reservoir, her family is haunted by her ghost. Or are they? Atmospheric pseudo-documentary with one big jump scare, but it’s a good one.
SUSPIRIA Pastel-colored fairy tale about witches at a ballet school, Suspiria has no plot and is a must-see.
My Amityville Horror is a 2013 documentary directed by Eric Walter, the founder of The Amityville Files. Here is a brief recap of the Amityville Horror, for the innocent: it refers to the house where Ronald DeFeo murdered his family in 1974. George and Kathleen Lutz and her three children moved into that selfsame house a year afterwards and fled twenty-eight days later claiming their former abode was full of poltergeists and demons, including a devil pig with laser beam eyes.
The Lutz family’s story spawned a bestselling book, a movie starring James Brolin and Margot Kidder featuring the most awkward love scene in the history of cinema and a number of sequels, each worst than the last. I will not go into the truthfulness of the Lutz family’s claims except to say that when I bought a copy of The Amityville Horror a week or so ago, it was shelved under Horror Fiction. The book itself, which shows every sign of being written in great haste, contradicts itself and has trouble keeping its facts straight.
The subject of My Amityville Horror is Daniel Lutz, the eldest son. Mr. Lutz, now in his early fifties, is intense. Parts of his story are unbelievable. Besides seeing the devil pig and having his hands crushed by a runaway window (don’t worry, his hands got better), he himself was possessed by the entities inhabiting the house. We also learn that his stepfather, George Lutz, was well read in Satanism, practicing transcendental meditation (?!?!), mind-control and telekinesis. After his mother and stepfather went on tour they left Dan behind with the priests, who beat him and repeatedly tried to exorcise him. When his parents came back, he didn’t have a lot to say to them.
The scariest part of My Amityville Horror is hearing Mr. Lutz talk about the abuse he suffered at the hands of his stepfather, whom he loathes. Most of the people in this documentary are true believers, although when Mr. Lutz visits Lorraine Warren (see: The Conjuring!) and admires her caged roosters he seems to have trouble keeping a straight face.
Many parts of Mr. Lutz’s story are unbelievable, but he is absolutely truthful on one topic. When he tells an interviewer that he’s smiling because his stepfather’s dead and he’s a free man, I believed him.
I heard about REC, a Spanish-language movie, when it first came out in 2007. There are zombie movies, and there are found-footage movies, but as far as I know REC is the first found-footage zombie movie (it’s that or Diary of the Dead, also released in 2007). Or are they zombies? Hmmm…Anyway, I borrowed REC through my local library.
The plot: Angela and Pablo are doing a feature on firemen for a show called While You’re Asleep. As one of the firemen says (paraphrasing), ‘if everyone’s sleeping who’s watching your show?’ They settle in for a long, dull night, and then the alarm goes off, and they’re racing to an apartment complex where an old lady is supposedly trapped in her apartment. The old lady is there, all right, screaming and covered in blood. She shows her gratitude at being rescued by biting one of the firemen.
Pretty soon the Barcelona authorities quarantine the building and nobody can leave. Not realizing they’re in a horror movie, the residents naturally want to know what’s going on. Besides Angela and Pablo, we have a fireman, a cop, a family of four, a bachelor, the super (they call him the intern) and a mom and little girl with tonsillitis. Or is it tonsillitis? The fact that she tries to bite her mother’s face off clues us in that maybe it’s not. Hmmm…
REC came out in 2007 when the zombie movie wave was starting to crest. Nothing much happens in the first forty-five minutes, and then things happen very quickly indeed. The virus – the movie calls it an enzyme, but that just might be the translation – messes up your eyes and makes you act like you have rabies. The disease seems to have started with a sick dog, so that makes sense.
As you don’t know (because I didn’t tell you), I waited until the final week of Helloween to watch the movies I thought would really scare me. REC didn’t. Maybe it’s because of the lack of scary music cues? This movie has a ton of jump scares, and some of the violence is really disturbing, but it’s not much more than your run-of-the-mill zombie movie. At this point the market’s oversaturated. The source of the ‘plague’ is original, but the movie never fully explores the idea it raises. Still: the ending is scary as hell, and I was entertained. I even shrieked!
Recommended, especially for found-footage fans and zombie lovers.
I was in high school when The Hunger (1983) came out. I never saw it. Maybe I was too young to see an R-rated movie? The first R-rated movie I saw in the theater was Excalibur, but that’s another story. Anyway, years later I took The Hunger out from my local library.
The plot: Miriam and her husband John spend their time going to discos, seducing young couples and bringing them back to their freakish mansion located in the heart of New York City. They kill them with little dagger Ankhs, drink their blood and then dispose of their remains in the crematorium in the basement. In their spare time the happy couple play classical music with a teenage girl.
It’s an idyllic existence until John starts showing his age. He visits Dr. Sarah Roberts, who is researching the aging process. The visit doesn’t much help John, but it does bring Sarah to Miriam’s attention. Miriam, who is immortal, keeps her ex-lovers in boxes in her attic. She seduces Sarah and gives her a love-nibble during their lovemaking. Pretty soon Sarah can’t eat or sleep. She starts experiencing serious withdrawal symptoms, and only Miriam can give her what she needs.
An art house horror movie thirty years before the term was coined, The Hunger has three obsessions: narcissism, power and addiction. Miriam is the ultimate narcissist. Unlike her husband John, she has no conscience. She keeps her old lovers in boxes because that is the ultimate expression of her power over them, and any tears she cries are for herself. The sex between Miriam and Sarah is consensual; Miriam infecting Sarah is not consensual. The vampiric ‘disease’ is blood borne, and this movie came out when awareness about the AIDS virus was just starting to spread.
The Hunger has problems. It’s about ten minutes too long and the ending makes no sense. The pacing is slow, and the movie shifts main characters halfway through. Tony Scott’s directorial style might have been innovative at the time, but now it looks like a MTV video run amok. Everyone is stylish and smokes, just like the 80’s I remember! Despite these flaws, The Hunger is a striking film and well-worth watching. Recommended.
Released in 1993, Cronos is Guillermo del Toro’s debut film. The way I chose this flick is sort of funny. Instead of watching one of the big stack of horror DVDs on my coffee table I found Cronos browsing Hulu Plus. Besides the movie itself, there are also interviews with the director and actors. Informative!
The plot: kindly antiques dealer Jesus Gris finds what looks like a golden bug hidden inside a Madonna icon. He gives the statue to dying industrialist de la Guardia, whose room is full of bagged Madonnas, but keeps the bug for himself. De la Guardia sends his nephew Angel, a leg breaker who has plastic surgery every time his nose gets broken, to collect the Madonna. When Jesus winds up the golden amulet it sprouts legs. It also has a stinger – which Jesus learns the hard way.
To the amazement of his wife and granddaughter, Jesus seems to grow twenty years younger overnight. It turns out the beetle, made by an alchemist, has a literal bug inside it that can grant immortality. Of course there’s always a cost, as Jesus learns when the hunger pangs kick in. After awhile using the amulet’s not good enough and Jesus craves more. Of course, anyone who’s seen more than one horror movie knows what that is.
Despite my initial misgivings, Cronos is a horror movie. The word ‘vampire’ is never mentioned, but there are lots of bugs and bug imagery. When Jesus’ face starts to rot off it’s not the end of the world; insects shed their carapaces all the time. In an interview, del Toro called Cronos his ‘lapsed Catholic’ movie, and the movie is crammed full of religious imagery. He also said that Jesus is the saddest vampire ever, also true. When Jesus is alive he’s an old, out-of-shape antique dealer; after his death and resurrection…he’s still an old, out-of-shape antique dealer.
Cronos wasn’t made on a big budget, but it features striking visuals, sympathetic characters and a well-written screenplay featuring a slightly off-kilter take on the vampire legend. Addiction and family values are big themes, here. Ron Perlman is great as leg buster Angel, the gum-chewing thug. He’s a bastard, yeah, but he’s charming and we can’t help but like him. Cronos is a great movie. Highly recommended.
Sleepaway Camp (1983) is another of those movies I saw in the horror section of my now defunct video store and never rented, maybe because it reminded me of a low-rent Friday the 13th. While we’re on the subject of video stores, can anyone tell me why they always smelled? Anyway: I watched Sleepaway Camp on my new Shudder subscription ($4.99 per month, cheap!) that I forgot to cancel (as predicted last week).
The plot: a horrific boating accident ravages a family frolicking in a lake. Eight years later sole survivor Angela (now a teenager) and her cousin Ricky go to Camp Arawak. The scenes at Camp Arawak are the most realistic part of this movie. I went to Buck & Beaver Camp as a youth, and I can tell you the behavior of the kids is so spot-on it’s amazing. It all came back to me, the cursing, the short-shorts, the dumb pranks, the sheer bile of youth. Unlike Friday the 13th, where everyone’s a sex maniac, the kids in Sleepaway Camp are nasty, stupid and foul-mouthed. I am willing to bet the writer and/or director of this movie hails from the Tri-State area, if not the Garden State.
Anyway, Angela doesn’t speak, which of course makes her the object of bullies. To his credit, her cousin defends her. Pretty soon the murders start. The first few are almost goofy, with the victims being assholes and worse. One of the fascinating things about Sleepaway Camp is how the tone of the movie changes, from a schlocky Friday the 13th remake to something truly nasty.
Sleepaway Camp is a disturbing movie, and the creepiest things about it aren’t the murders. This movie’s attitude towards certain social issues is very 1980’s, otherwise known as the Neolithic Age, so please be warned. I found parts of this flick to be very offensive. Finally, Sleepaway Camp has a twist ending that is truly shocking. This is an effective horror movie, but not in the way the filmmakers intended. Not recommended.
Directed by David Cronenberg, The Brood is a 1979 Canadian horror movie. Back when video stores still existed, I saw this movie whenever I browsed the horror section but never rented it. I’m still not sure why. Maybe the cover freaked me out? Anyway, I finally watched The Brood on Hulu Streaming.
The plot: Frank Carveth notices bruises on his young daughter Candice’s back after a visit with her mother. Nola, Frank’s soon to be ex-wife, is in deep therapy with controversial psychiatrist Hal Ragan, the founder of Psychoplasmics. Psychoplasmics seems to be a form of therapy that involves the release of negative emotions, which manifest in physical symptoms such as hives, cancer and deformed dwarf-children. Hey, it was the 70’s. People believed all sorts of weird shit.
A deformed dwarf-child murders Candice’s grandmother; since we learn the old woman abused her daughter, it’s hard to feel sorry for her. The creature is asexual, feeds on the nutrients in the hump on its back and has no bellybutton. Pretty soon people Candice despise are popping up dead left and right, murdered by the Brood. Could Psychoplasmics be involved?
Yeah, I really dug The Brood. This movie is proof that you can make a horror flick without tons of makeup or special effects. The Brood look like kids wearing Halloween masks, but Cronenberg manages to make them creepy. Honorable mention goes to Oliver Reed, who is wonderful as therapist Hal Ragan. Be warned that the violence in this movie is unsettling. There’s a scene in a kindergarten class that’s extremely disturbing.
What I liked best about The Brood is the emotional rawness. A potential romantic interest of Frank’s drops him because she doesn’t want to deal with the shit he’s going through. Apparently Cronenberg was going through a nasty divorce when he directed The Brood, which doesn’t surprise me. This movie deals with primal emotions. Hatred is what gives the Brood life. Frank and Nola despise each other and Frank literally cannot hide his hatred, even to save his daughter’s life. Highly recommended!
Abandoned Places 